It is so hard for me to admit to my faults and vulnerabilities and to own them. And to even admit to myself that I am not super woman and can’t do everything on my own. At the same time it is even harder for me to ask for help and feel worthy to be part of a team. This post has taken me over a month to write and it is still hard to hit publish. Do I really want to admit some of these things to myself let alone to the rest of the world. Here goes, this is me being real and being raw. I am usually a very positive person, but lately I have been feeling so lost in myself. I am just like everyone else and don’t always have it all together.
Why is it when we get asked “how are you?” our automatic reply is usually a cheerful “I’m good” even if we are not. I am a master of hiding my true feelings and putting on a happy brave face. I know that for me I would rather be able to be uplifting and positive to others. At the moment I am struggling with being uplifting and positive to myself let alone others. When the dark cloud comes in I retreat into a world of self doubt and I am super critical with myself. It totally drives me nuts that I still let this happen and then I get down on myself for being back in that place.
I am a master at disguising my true feelings because I don’t want to bring anyone else down with me. That place can get pretty lonely, it quickly opens up the door to self criticism, judgment, comparison and general self loathing. In reality we are not a good source of information when we dwell within that pity party. Getting out is not always easy and asking for help and asking ourselves the even tougher questions of what is behind it is difficult at the best of times. Facing the truth and reality whether we want to hear it or not is bloody hard.
If the truth be told I am struggling at the moment with so many things in my life, my self esteem, my confidence, my weight, my business, money and with being a good enough wife, mother and friend.
Our own minds can be our cruelest critics that we can ever face and I just stand there and let it happen and take it. Because if that is what I am thinking it must be true right? WRONG!! We need to always remember that no matter how bad or how hard we are on ourselves this too shall pass.
I have never really been one to be able to find my words and been able to express myself. This has been a life long struggle for me. Speaking up paralyzes me. It completely amazes me that people don’t see me that way at all. Maybe I need to take up acting, what appears on the outside hides so much pain and fear that I will be found out, that the truth is that I am not a confidant person at all. I get so worn down from constantly beating myself up that I am not good enough. I even struggle to celebrate my wins and successes. I am so good at finding fault in everything I do and finding something to be able to criticize about myself. I really am tired of it and want to be able to move past this once and for all.
It is not like this 24/7 for me, I do go for long periods of time of being completely positive and are able to disregard those negative thoughts but when that crippling self doubt takes hold it is so hard to shake it off. I have taken on so much self help and spiritual healing to be a better person yet I still let the grip of crippling self doubt in. I am a super sensitive soul who would die at the thought that I have let anyone down. I am always trying to keep every0ne happy and please everyone (In typing this I have just realized that I have been letting myself down in the process big time.) In worrying about letting everyone else down I am doing exactly that to myself.
I know a lot of my uncertainty and doubt starts from not having a clear direction on what it is I want and where I want to be. I usually have all my monthly and quarterly goals all planned out with action lists in place but I have even been struggling to get my planning done this quarter.
I wish that I could just flick a switch and turn the self doubt off permanently once and for all. The worse part is that I know what I need to do to turn it around and fix it but lately I have chosen to just wallow in self pity. So at the end of the day I really have no one to blame but myself. This really doesn’t get me anywhere. I know what I need to do but I just don’t know why I let the crippling self doubt hold me back with the negative thoughts of “I am not good enough”, “not smart enough”, “who would want to hear from me” “what do I have to offer anyone” . I know the key to overcoming this is to help others more, but I get so caught up with if I can’t help myself how can I expect to be able to help others.
It is the sharing, inspiring and encouraging others to find their own creative journeys that really lights me up, yet I let self doubt keep me trapped in a space of fear. It is a fear of rejection, a fear of failure, a fear of being a joke and ridiculed or laughed at that freezes me in my tracks. This side of me makes me feel weak, so then I am down on myself some more for being weak and so the viscous cycle goes around and around.
I am an over achiever in some aspects of my life looking for approval of my worth, but when I get it it still feels empty. I have been looking for approval from everyone but myself, and that upsets me that I can hurt myself in this way and yet I still ask why and why do I still let it happen??? Why do we have to sabotage ourselves and live with limiting beliefs that do not serve us and are completely not true?
How can we turn that switch off once and for all. For me it has always been 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Some days I ask myself why do I do this? Why keep going down this path that is so hard, why do I continue to do things that put me out of my comfort zone and yet keep me trapped in it at the same time. I have a very quiet voice deep down inside of me that tells me to keep going it will all be worth it in the end. What that will be I am not quite sure of but I know I just can’t give up, no matter how much I want to some days.
I often question where do I fit in and I know the journey is part of the answer to this question.
I think the crippling truth about self doubt is a test, it is to test our self worth. I figure if I can break through this I can do anything.
We need to be gentle with ourselves and forgive ourselves for some of the choices we have made. We need to learn from our mistakes and continue to grow.
We need to treat ourselves like we treat our children with tender loving encouragement
and not treat ourselves worse than we would treat our own worst enemies with criticism and disdain. That goes for our looks, our talents, our ideals, and our souls. I believe that all everyone really wants is to be better people, that can live with an open heart with no judgment.
Everyone deserves to be just Loved for who they are and should be able to let their True Beauty Shine through with no judgement even from ourselves. Take the time to be kind and gentle with ourselves and love ourselves and each other.
Even though this is were I have been and still am at the moment, I know that even just speaking about this here and now I am on my way back out of this negative space. Creating art definitely helps me to get out of my head, this is something that I am committing some time to at least once a week. Find something that fills your heart to help find your way back too. If anyone has any tips on how to get out of it quicker without having to run the gauntlet every time I would love to hear it! 🙂
Moving forward I am hoping I can find a happy medium and can get back to my normal positive happy self. I am already taking steps to get back to that. I have so much I want to share with everyone and have so many dreams I want to see fulfilled.
OK Here goes, hitting publish now, thank you if you have read to the end!
Remember you are not alone and it is ok to not always have to be ok and its ok to be perfectly imperfect.
Sending out much love to each of you xxx