I can’t believe I achieved that goal and made it to the end. I needed a break yesterday. It hasn’t been a very productive week for me this week. So much to do so many things have to be done for the next workshop. So no time to waste that is for sure. We will have a special Guest Tutor all the way from Perth ~ Mistra Hoolahan coming over to teach a fabulous mixed media reverse canvas at the next workshop! You won’t want to miss that one! Bookings will be open in the next day or so.
I have had a mini meltdown after posting my day 30 post. I literally did an audible Gulp! I think I have been feeling very exposed since. I was hoping for more of a freeing feeling but I have been feeling very vulnerable. Its done, its out time to move on! Just wish I could give my motivation a kick up the arse now, I have really been struggling this past week! Its like all those insecurities have risen to the surface again! Really over this shit, wish I have more control over these feelings. I can’t believe it is Friday already, another week has flown by, I hope the next week is a better one!! Hoping to get a bit of creative time in tonight! Think I need it!
Day 30! I can’t believe I have made it! 30 days of blogging every day (well night really) has been on average closer to midnight every night. But I did it! I don’t know how I feel about coming to the end of the 30 days, I haven’t read back over the past 30 posts yet. Will be interesting to see if my writing has changed at all. I guess I feel a little less pressure to have everything just perfect.
Been a long day today and I am not feeling so crash hot tonight. We have had the property across the road burning off rubbish on a weekly basis for months. It is not just timber or natural products they are burning. Some days it smells like they are burning tyres. They have skip trucks dumping loads in there every week. We have put in complaints to the council as I am concerned about what they are burning, the skip trucks advertise that they dispose asbestosis too. The property has a quarry license but there is nothing coming out of the place, just truck loads of rubbish going in. Anyway what ever they burnt today was burning my throat when I went outside and the burning stink just fills the house. Then I got a headache from it! Glad Don is home tonight, he can deal with it tomorrow.
So in saying that I really don’t feel much like talking about this next topic, but I know I can’t put this off forever. I want to move forward and this will help to put all this behind me.
This is really tough for me to talk about still, but If my speaking out can help one person it is worth it. I had a pretty tough childhood and had to live away from home to go to school from the ages 6 to 8 and during that time I was molested. Its something that you would never wish on any child. The sad thing is that it is far more common than people realize. I know so many friends and people who have had it happen to them too! I feared telling my parents the most, the fear was crippling, I didn’t want them to have to endure the shame and guilt that I carried for so many years. It was a fear that took until the age of 42 to be able to tell them. It is so true when they say the truth will set you free. I feel like I have released this huge block that has held me back my whole life. I feel so much closer to my parents now too.
What ever circumstances you have survived in your life you are a survivor. I don’t know if I would be as strong as I am now or as compassionate, caring or as forgiving if I have not had to endure this from a such a young age. I have always struggled with how some people fight to be better people regardless of what has happened to them and how some people just keep repeating the patterning. Why do certain people fight back and why do some feel like they have nothing to fight back for. Why was I one of the lucky ones. I think it doesn’t matter if it is domestic abuse, emotional abuse or abuse of any type that makes you feel less than or that you don’t matter it is all the same. I am telling you it doesn’t matter what has happened in your life or what conditioning you have endured as a child, you still have control over your future. You are now and always will have the power over your self. You just have to choose that option that you are worthy and deserve happiness. You can do it, but don’t get me wrong I know how much of a hold that guilt, shame and worthlessness can have over you. That is why it took me so long to be able to tell my parents. It was the fear itself of just telling them, it was never the right time, the words always got stuck in my throat. I know that is one of the reasons I struggle to speak up for myself till this day.
I don’t know why this fear has had such a hold on me all these years, I have done a lot of work on overcoming what has happened to me with countless counseling in one form or another. And I think that it has been this and the help of my Morning Pages from The Artist Way. It has helped me to face my truth.
Really the Truth will set you free, no matter how painful in the process. You know when some one says something or does something to you and you don’t agree with it, but you go along with it to keep the peace. Take note of how that feels in your body at that exact moment. I bet it feels horrible. It makes you feel like crap when you swallow all those negative feelings and emotions just to please the other person. Have you ever wondered what would happen if you said how you really feel and what you really think. Really stopped to think what is the very worst thing that could happen?? They would be upset with you or won’t talk to you?? Honestly the truth will set you all free, the best outcome would be that you are respected more for your honesty. Give it a try, take the cue from your body, if it doesn’t agree with something said or done. Speak your truth, don’t go into ego where it comes down to who is right or wrong, nothing good will come from that for anyone. Just take a minute to access those feelings and look at your truth of the situation. You can agree to disagree as long as you are at peace with your truth and not swallowing it to keep the peace. Speak your truth from a place of love and not from ego, the truth will fill your heart, ego will fuel the pain. The most freeing thing in the world is speaking your truth.
There will still be some people close to me who don’t know about this but if they read this blog post I guess they will now. This is still tough for me to discuss, I hope in posting this it will help to really put it all behind me, no more secrets, no more guilt, no more shame.
It is time I live my TRUTH!!! I hope that you can find your truth that will set you free too!
These art journal pages have also help me to process things along the way, puts them all in context when you know the story behind them.
Well I have finished the post and sitting here thinking do I really want to publish this? I know it will feel like a weight has been lifted when I do, but still the fear is holding onto me! OK Here goes. Time to give fear the flick!!
Night all, I will be back blogging on a more regular and more inspirational basis! I have lots of creative ideas I want to share with you, so stay tuned!
Thank you to Therese for your ongoing support over the last 30 days, many hugs to you hun! And also to each and everyone of you for dropping by and leaving your beautiful comments, they have definitely helped to keep me going! xxx
Day 30! I can’t believe I have made it! 30 days of blogging every day (well night really) has been on average closer to midnight every night. But I did it! I don’t know how I feel about coming to the end of the 30 days, I haven’t read back over the past 30 posts yet. Will be interesting to see if my writing has changed at all. I guess I feel a little less pressure to have everything just perfect. Read more
Day 29 – These past 29 days have not been easy. I haven’t been able to focus much lately. Even though I took the weekend off I felt guilty in doing so. I know I really needed it and should have done it earlier in the week instead of trying to battle through. In looking back I haven’t had a very productive week. I still feel like I am a day behind my own schedule and didn’t get done today what I wanted to!
I really need to get organised, the mess around me is starting to do my head in. I desperately want to spring this place and declutter and start some renovating. But I feel like I really need to invest more time into the future planning of my business. Having the next workshop looming quickly is overwhelming me with everything that needs to be done. So feeling tired and overwhelmed tonight.
I am hoping I can wake up in the morning and really kick some goals! I have lots to do!
Ok so I need a laugh about now and love this pic I found of sadie, she was scratching her claws on the railing, looks like she was sitting there covering her eyes and now she is off. I hope this brought a smile to your face too!
Day 30 tomorrow, I will try to do tomorrows post a little earlier tomorrow, I have a feeling it is going to be a big one! And to tell you the truth is scaring the crap out of me.
Leaving it there tonight, I need to get to bed! Catch you all tomorrow!