OK back to today, I have started videoing my next workshop class and have been making resin embellishments. I have a mess everywhere, which is typical of me when I am creating! I just need to wait for a few more things to set then I can put the layout together tomorrow.

I am a shocking procrastinator and go from thinking I can achieve anything and can take on the world to the next minute thinking who am I kidding. The internal battle in me on a daily basis and even a minute to minute basis does my head in at times. The positive voice in my head is ever so slowly taking over the negative voice. But it is still like one step forward and two steps back.
It would be so nice to be able to stay focused with a positive frame of mind for a whole day, I know I would be able to get twice as much done.

I think too that I struggle to believe that I can have it all, that I can have the success that I know I deserve and it frustrates the hell out of me that I still let these thoughts and doubts control me. But I guess the first step is acknowledging them and recognizing them quicker.
I have some pretty big dreams and goals that I want to achieve and the main one is earning enough to replace Don’s income so we can enjoy our own financial freedom. I know I have a lot of work to do between now and then and I still have a lot of work to do on the negative nana’s in my head.
One step at a time hey!

On the creative front I have been learning to draw faces, I have taken classes from Jamie Dougherty 
and Jane Davenport and have been going through other drawing books that I have here. My girls are starting to look a bit better, A lot were looking really sad there for a bit. I am still waiting to see what my style is going to be! But I guess I will only find that with a lot more practice.

Ok, I am back day 2 well with what is left of day two! Thank you so very much for all the wonderful comments and words of encouragement. I felt a real shift after hitting send on that post last night, I feel a lot freer. I really did feel like a weight had lifted last night. I slept so soundly and actually felt like I had a good nights sleep last night. So that is a sure fire sign that I am on the right path.

OK so now what am I going to talk about tonight, I hope in the next 30 days that you will be able to get to know the real me and I guess I am hoping to get to know the real me too.

Something that has been bothering me for awhile is that I feel like I am a real fence sitter. I really don’t like conflict and will go above and beyond not to upset anyone else even if it doesn’t suit me. I generally keep my opinions to myself. I have spent a lifetime of protecting everyone’s feelings around me and believe me it has been hard work and has taken a toll. I can now see that I have been protecting others feelings at the expense of my own. I am finally finding my voice after 42 years.

Back to fence sitting I have been pondering on this all day and have been wondering if I should get more passionate with my opinions but I have come to the realization that I am OK with being a fence sitter! I can see now that there is a difference to not getting upset or worked up over certain things and not standing up for myself. They are two different things.  I really do feel I am a lot more tolerant of things around me and happy to go with the thinking each to their own. I don’t need to have an opinion on everything for or against.

I have really been working on finding my happy place of what TRULY makes me happy. You know that is the hardest thing to work out when you really stop and think about it!
I think it is different to “what would it TAKE to make you happy” (to me that is the materialistic thinking of it). When you really get to the core of your being to really think about “what makes you truly happy” and how you are going to go about achieving that, its not so easy. I have been doing a lot of soul searching on that one. Finding my voice has given me so much and a simple little thing called the truth can totally free you. It is a happy place that no one can take away from you. I am still working on finding my Truth of what it is that I truly want in this life and what makes my my heart really soar. Of course my family is way up there on top and I couldn’t be happier with mine but unless you can find your passion and what makes your heart sing and live in your true happiness nothing else really matters. Everything else is just a lie and is just living in a level of existence.

 

I have been there for far too long. Living to make other people happy like my own wasn’t as important as everyone else. Take it from me start thinking about your own happiness, your core happiness. No one else is going to do it for you, and only you have the power to do anything about it.

There is no magic formula and the timing will be different for everyone. But start making a conscious effort today to think about what will make you truly happy. Because we all deserve it!

Ok I feel like I have made no sense tonight and this is just a bunch of rambling, but this is me, I don’t make sense a lot of the time and I am Ok with that now. This is me, it is hard for me to put unedited photos on my blog and to put something up that I haven’t read back over a hundred times to make sure it is all perfect. I am letting go of perfect, who needs that pressure!!

Thank you again if you are back for day 2, your comments really do warm my heart and really helps me feel not so alone in my journey!!

I read about Flora Bowley’s 30 day blog challenge and have also followed Tracy Verdugo’s 30 days of blogging a little while ago, I love how real they were, it is something I struggle with big time.
I am going to attempt to complete 30 days of blog Loving myself. I am hoping this will help me to find my voice. I am hoping in the course of the next 30 days I will be able to find a level of comfort about sharing all the good and bad. Gee this is not easy, Ok where do I start?…How much do I share, Who is the real me?

 Usually when things are not going so well I just retreat into myself and I really struggle with putting myself out there. These past few months have thrown many challenges and heartache my way so I feel like I am slowly emerging from the fog again.

At the moment I feel lost, I have so much to do but don’t seem to be getting anywhere!

Everything was starting off on the right track this year and I was heading in the right direction but I am sure the universe went smack her down, she ain’t ready! So what followed that was many lessons of grief and all in one week, it really was the week from hell, but I was still able to grab onto moments of bliss and gratitude amongst all the devastation.
I think it really started back in March when our dog Tilly was bitten by a snake (and survived) and Don started having suspicious Moles and spots taken off. The financial impact of both these hit us hard and I think we have been struggling to get back on top of everything since then.

Anyway April was the hardest month, we had a couple of scares with Don’s spots coming back malignant and having to have more taken off. Then Our dog Tilly was chasing her ball in the back yard one day, I had noticed that she was getting more and more out of breath really quickly lately. When she brought the ball back to us she was really gasping for breath, I saw that her gums and tongue were blue. I got her to the vets the next day as her breathing was sounding very chesty too. They give her some medication to try so I took her back home, that was on a Wednesday.

Then on the Thursday was when my week of grief started.
Thursday was ANZAC day and I was really missing my Grandad all day as he was in the Army too. I couldn’t believe how upset I was all day, it didn’t help that I had Tilly beside me all day struggling to breathe. Well I was just a mess.

Come Friday morning I picked up Don from work and took Tilly back to the vets, something was just not right. I left her there so they could do some xrays on her chest. Then Friday afternoon we go the call that just broke our hearts. Tilly’s lungs were full of cancer and she had a mass pressing on her wind pipe. I don’t think I had cried so hard since my Grandma passed away. Tilly was more than just a dog to us, she was our protector and every family members best friend. She was always there.
Anyway we went and picked her up from the vets as they gave her a steroid injection, we didn’t know how much time we had left with her. So I rang my daughter Leonii who now lives in Brisbane which is 12 hours away and we got her on a plane home that night so she could say goodbye to her. The steroids seem to be working as she was breathing a little easier that night.

Saturday was a lovely day having the 4 of us home together again. Tilly seemed to pick up a bit too, it was really lovely having that special time together. Then Leonii and I went through some boxes of my Grandma’s things that my mum had brought out. More tears and really missing Grandma now too. Although I still miss her and Grandad every day. Then come late Saturday night I had a call from a close friend and it was a phone call that made me realize that we we heading in different directions. So I think it was the realization that the friendship was coming to a close that sparked another level of grieving. It was hard to get to a point that I had to protect myself and walk away.
I have to cling on to the belief that people come into and out of our lives for a reason and I am grateful for that. We had many wonderful years of friendship and laughter that I will always cherish and I hope that she can get past the dark place she is in.

Well Sunday come around pretty quick and it wasn’t any easier. Leonii went through the last of her stuff in her room and it really hit home that this was it, she is really gone to take on the world on her own. My baby girl is all grown up and is her own person now! I am very proud of her but miss her heaps. Putting her back on the plane on Sunday night was hard.

 
All weekend Tilly was going well so we were thinking we might have a few more months with her, but I think she was putting on a brave face for Leonii. Monday morning it was clear to us even though we didn’t want to admit it, she had had enough. she come into the office and just lay beside me. Don and I didn’t even have to say anything we both knew. It was the hardest day we have both ever had to face. It was so hard waiting around all day to take her into the vets for her last appointment. I don’t think I stopped crying all day. I am crying again now writing this post. She managed to say goodbye to each of us in her own way. These were the last photos we got of her.

So that was May and then it was a trip to Brisbane in June to the scrapbooking expo. Then home late on a Tuesday night after a lovely and very busy weekend, only to come home to the Inlaws who arrived earlier that day and my mum. Early the next morning it was off to an appointment with my mum who got her results back from  a mammogram and ultra sound to be told it is cancer and she will need surgery. So mum went home the next day to get ready to come back for surgery the next week and the inlaws went back home on Saturday, then mum was back for her surgery on the Tuesday. So it was a revolving door of visitors for awhile. Mum had breast cancer about 18 years ago. she was lucky that she didn’t need to have any lymph nodes removed this time and we were hopeful that she wouldn’t need radium too. But no such luck, it was bigger and more aggressive than they expected so she will still need the radium treatment up in Townsville.

So that pretty much brings my year up to now, it has been a tough few months, but I am stronger for it and I think it has also brought mum and I a lot closer too!

I didn’t mean to get so heavy on my first post but this has been a post that has been in the making since March and I kept putting it off because it was too hard. So it feels good to get all this dark and heavy stuff out, through more tears too. Hopefully this will also help to move forward now and put all this behind me!

I have been drawing and painting a little bit lately, I think that has been helping to heal too! I will share more of those later! So this is me now opening the door way to my soul!

I still constantly feel like I am not good enough or smart enough to really be a real success. It is something that I struggle with on a daily basis. I have overcome a lot of fears to be at a place in my life where I am doing it anyway. Every day scares the crap out of me that I am not doing it right that I might fail. I have so many ideas and dreams I just don’t seem to know where to start.
I have just started to get business coaching from Nicola Moras so I am hoping this will be the answer in me achieving my dreams.

I have another workshop I am planning for a few weeks time so you will be hearing more about that in the coming days. I have no idea what I am going to blog about but I can promise you it will be real. I can do this (if you say it often enough you can convince yourself right?) Well I am going to try.

Thanks for reading this to the end, Hugs if you made it! xxx
Wish me luck xxx